The Downside

March 18, 2009

There is a downside that comes with most anything.  Living in New York has it’s downsides.  For me the greatest downsides have to do with my family and so many of my friends being so far away.  Also, trying to establish a new grown-up adult life after college presents it’s own set of challenges.

I don’t want to be so far from so many of the people that I care about.  But I want to live in New York.  I think accepting only part of what you want is a good skill to develop.  I have realized though that if I wasn’t so far from my loved ones I would not have gained this greater appreciation for them.  

I’ve also realized that I had compiled quite a list of ambitions for myself, ambitions that I planned to accomplish “after I graduated and became a real adult human.”  One of the things that I feel is making my transition into being a “real adult human” more challenging is that I am working night shifts.  I’m having to completely relearn how to live.  I’m having difficulty sleeping on my days off and I’ve been sick to my stomach for three months.  My digestive system is like a pouty child, sometimes crossing it’s arms and refusing to budge, other times throwing a fit in the frozen food isle of the grocery store, and it’s been known to act like a rag doll when I try and pick it up during one of it’s meltdowns.  Oh, the joy.  

But the downside that is over-arching through out all of this is a sort of grief and sense of loss, combined with the realization that I need to either sink or swim. – I can keep striving to build the life I want against so many new obstacles (and many of the old obstacles) or I can….well, actually, that’s the only option. – The loss and grief I feel is harder to pin down.  As I live and meet people here I can feel the energy of this place and that energy runs the full gamut of human emotion.  I think that until I’ve really set down some roots I’ll continue to feel a little jostled by this flow of human emotion constantly surging through Manhattan.