The Downside

March 18, 2009

There is a downside that comes with most anything.  Living in New York has it’s downsides.  For me the greatest downsides have to do with my family and so many of my friends being so far away.  Also, trying to establish a new grown-up adult life after college presents it’s own set of challenges.

I don’t want to be so far from so many of the people that I care about.  But I want to live in New York.  I think accepting only part of what you want is a good skill to develop.  I have realized though that if I wasn’t so far from my loved ones I would not have gained this greater appreciation for them.  

I’ve also realized that I had compiled quite a list of ambitions for myself, ambitions that I planned to accomplish “after I graduated and became a real adult human.”  One of the things that I feel is making my transition into being a “real adult human” more challenging is that I am working night shifts.  I’m having to completely relearn how to live.  I’m having difficulty sleeping on my days off and I’ve been sick to my stomach for three months.  My digestive system is like a pouty child, sometimes crossing it’s arms and refusing to budge, other times throwing a fit in the frozen food isle of the grocery store, and it’s been known to act like a rag doll when I try and pick it up during one of it’s meltdowns.  Oh, the joy.  

But the downside that is over-arching through out all of this is a sort of grief and sense of loss, combined with the realization that I need to either sink or swim. – I can keep striving to build the life I want against so many new obstacles (and many of the old obstacles) or I can….well, actually, that’s the only option. – The loss and grief I feel is harder to pin down.  As I live and meet people here I can feel the energy of this place and that energy runs the full gamut of human emotion.  I think that until I’ve really set down some roots I’ll continue to feel a little jostled by this flow of human emotion constantly surging through Manhattan.

I haven’t posted anything in quite awhile, in fact, I can’t even remember how long it’s been and I didn’t bother to check before starting to write this post.  Suffice it to say that life happened and blogging wasn’t a priority. Everything is going well for me here in New York City, but the list of things that I can make myself do when I’m not in the mood to do them is short and blogging isn’t to be found among them.  Another of the reasons I haven’t written is because I felt like I had to explain or summarize everything that happened while I wasn’t writing.  Forget that, I’m living in the now.

Right now I’m still feeling a little out of sorts trying to adjust to working nights.  My body doesn’t know what the hell I”m doing and I’ve embraced the magic of Ambien for those times when I know there won’t be enough time for my body to decided whether or not it’s really time to sleep.

Life in NYC is amazing and I frequently find myself on street corners, waiting for the light to change (things haven’t gotten so bad that I’m selling myself), and I’ll look up and/or around myself and think how lucky I am to be living in this place.  And it’s not just that I’m living in an amazing place, it’s that I’m living in a place that I always dreamed of living in.

Life here in NYC isn’t always such a dream though, it’s still life and all the accompanying challenges do still apply.  I really do understand why most people don’t pick up and move across the country to anywhere, especially not NYC.  There is a part of me that knows I won’t live in this city for my whole life, but at the same time I cannot comprehend how I will ever live anywhere else.

Dating here is interesting.  It’s sort of exactly like everyone described it would be and yet nothing like that at all. I’ve been overwhelmed with all the gay men here.  They are EVERYWHERE!  Anyone that’s afraid of the gays taking over the world needs to just write NYC off, because we’ve already conquered it.

I think I’m done for now.  I’m going to watch the season finale of The Bachelor.  I’ve been willingly sucked into the series and I readily admit to enjoying awful television.  But I comfort myself with the knowledge that Six Feet Under is one of my favorite series of all time.  See, I’m not all trashy reality TV.