Going Your Way

October 3, 2008

I am just bracing for my world to explode.  Whenever things are going the way I want them to I start to freak out that everything is going to be pulled out from under me.  This morning I woke up to a voicemail from my new job asking me to call them back.  Immediately my mind went to the thought that they were calling to tell me never mind about that job offer.  Lots of deep breathing and a returned phone call later I discovered that they were actually calling to try and schedule something with me when I get back to New York.  

As I sit here typing I’m wondering why I think things will suddenly not go my way.  I don’t know if it’s related to my religious upbringing and being taught that I wouldn’t be happy unless I lived according to Mormon principles.  I mean, I’ve never been happier or at more peace in my life, and it all started when I came out and accepted myself for who I am.  I’ve written before, when you’re taught something so earnestly as a child it’s hard to reshape your mind.  It’s easy to slip into the well-worn grooves of your brain rather than working to form new, better-educated, ways of thinking.  But these feelings may also have something to do with the opportunity filled life I’ve had.  When I lived in Russia I struggled quite a bit with the disparity in the quality of life between myself (and all Americans) as compared to much of the rest of the world.  We have a lot of freedom, pleasure, convenience, and opportunity here that isn’t seen in much of the world.  I’ve never felt like I deserved it any more than anyone else on this planet.  It’s not so much that I feel unworthy of it, because I believe everyone should have the same rights and opportunities, it’s that I don’t know why I have it and another person doesn’t.  So maybe that has something to do with why I sometimes fear it all flying out the window.  

Anyway, that last paragraph was some real-time thinking out loud.  Take it for what you will.  On another note I booked my one-way ticket back to New York for October 14th.  I’m feeling all sorts of emotions about that, but maybe I’ll babble on about that subject another time.  Right now I need to get ready to go meet my friend Angel and her daughter for lunch.  I’m doing my best to make the rounds with people before I leave.


3 Responses to “Going Your Way”

  1. KipEsquire said

    It was cruel and unprofessional for them to leave a generic “call us back” message like that. Their first words should have been, “nothing’s wrong, we just need to ask you something.”

    It’s actually a very good heuristic to assume that sudden meetings without announced agendas and “call us back” voicemails without explanation are going to be bad news. Sorry, but that’s the way the world is. My world, at least.

  2. megan said

    My mom actually told me yesterday that I wouldn’t be so depressed and my life would be a lot better if I was active in The Church again. It was really hard not to laugh in her face. I think that we have to do things in our life that go against what we’ve always believed/been told/are used to. It’s stepping outside of comfort zone that allows us to see who we really are.

    You’re going to be great in NYC and as a nurse. I wish you all the luck and success and riches in the world! New York’s gain is Utah’s loss.

  3. Chris P said

    Good luck with the new trail you are blazing. Think of your self as an formerly Mormon Pioneer–let’s hope the temple of your soul does not get upset by angry mobs.

    If you get around the states or even look very closely around town, you might discover there are a good number of Americans who are not living better than some people outside of the US. Somehow we manage to glide far above the turbulent waters they are in.

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