Dating: Tips

June 26, 2008

Published in the February 1, 2007 edition of QSaltLake. 

There are two types of gay men. The type that seem to be perpetually single and the type that never stay single for longer than a few weeks, maybe a few months if it’s the slow season. And I think we’ve all heard the joke about lesbians bringing the Uhaul on the second date. That being said, it would appear that there are quite a few gay men that are also lesbians. 

The relationships and dating patterns I’ve seen in the gay community trouble me. I’ve put a lot of thought into what I can do for a happier and more stable single-gay-man-dating future. I don’t want to fall victim to the pitfalls of express relationships. I want a deep and balanced relationship with another human being and I’m willing to wait for someone that is capable of that, which brings us to my first dating tip: 

-Do not settle! Double check, maybe triple check to ensure that you don’t have unrealistic relationship standards, but never settle. You won’t be content if you know in your heart that you chose a situation that is less than you deserve. 

-You need to know what you want out of life and whomever it is you’ll be dating. If you don’t know what you want then almost anybody will do just fine. 

-If you’re not ok being single then I don’t believe you are either ready or mature enough to create a healthy long-term relationship.

-Realize that once you really know yourself and what you’re looking for, it’s probably not going to be easy to find a person that you really click with on that level. 

-It might be easier to recognize what you don’t want rather than what you do. Start there. If you don’t want to be one of those men that cycles through boyfriends at the same rate that they go through their toothbrushes or their car leases then evaluate what you think you can do to have a different outcome. 

-True emotional connections are rare and worth waiting for. Oh, and they take effort; sexual and emotional chemistry will only get you so far. 

-If someone pays you a compliment, JUST SAY THANK YOU. I don’t care if they just complimented the one part about yourself that you loathe more than any other. Insecurity is unattractive no matter how you wear it. 

-You can’t have the relationship you really want as long as you remain in a relationship that isn’t what you want. The dating pool would flood the earth if all the people staying in relationships for the wrong reasons left those relationships. 

-Do everything you can to get yourself in a good place before you put yourself out there on the dating scene. While nobody will know, it shows that you considered the hearts of those you will eventually meet and date. 

-Have consideration for your partner even before you meet him and especially after. 

-Logically we know that every man should have two balls, but, surprisingly, many gay men don’t seem to have any. How can this be? And where did all those balls go? If you don’t have any, you need to get some. Good things come to those who wait, but better things go to those that take some initiative. 

-You can’t expect something in someone else if you don’t possess it yourself. You can hope that the other person will have qualities that you don’t, but you can’t expect them. In other words, if you’re dishonest then you can’t expect the other person to be honest. If you want to date a gym body then you should probably get to a gym on a regular basis as well. 

-Don’t be an ass. Karma’s a bitch and she can’t wait to get even with you. 

-You ought to have your shit together. If you’re a mess emotionally and don’t know what you really want AND WHAT YOU NEED TO DO TO GET IT, then chances are you will ruin the relationship you’ve been looking for if it does come along.

Remember, being single does not make you a leper. It doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you and it’s ok if you don’t appreciate the shock of total strangers that you’re single even though you’re “so cute.” It seems that once a person gets into a relationship they totally block out what it was like to be single; as if it’s really that bad. 

Dating is hard; it’s destabilizing, and it can be incredibly draining. It takes energy and time to get to know people. Take your time, follow your heart, and always treat the people you’re dating the way you would want to be treated.

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