The Downside

March 18, 2009

There is a downside that comes with most anything.  Living in New York has it’s downsides.  For me the greatest downsides have to do with my family and so many of my friends being so far away.  Also, trying to establish a new grown-up adult life after college presents it’s own set of challenges.

I don’t want to be so far from so many of the people that I care about.  But I want to live in New York.  I think accepting only part of what you want is a good skill to develop.  I have realized though that if I wasn’t so far from my loved ones I would not have gained this greater appreciation for them.  

I’ve also realized that I had compiled quite a list of ambitions for myself, ambitions that I planned to accomplish “after I graduated and became a real adult human.”  One of the things that I feel is making my transition into being a “real adult human” more challenging is that I am working night shifts.  I’m having to completely relearn how to live.  I’m having difficulty sleeping on my days off and I’ve been sick to my stomach for three months.  My digestive system is like a pouty child, sometimes crossing it’s arms and refusing to budge, other times throwing a fit in the frozen food isle of the grocery store, and it’s been known to act like a rag doll when I try and pick it up during one of it’s meltdowns.  Oh, the joy.  

But the downside that is over-arching through out all of this is a sort of grief and sense of loss, combined with the realization that I need to either sink or swim. – I can keep striving to build the life I want against so many new obstacles (and many of the old obstacles) or I can….well, actually, that’s the only option. – The loss and grief I feel is harder to pin down.  As I live and meet people here I can feel the energy of this place and that energy runs the full gamut of human emotion.  I think that until I’ve really set down some roots I’ll continue to feel a little jostled by this flow of human emotion constantly surging through Manhattan.

I haven’t posted anything in quite awhile, in fact, I can’t even remember how long it’s been and I didn’t bother to check before starting to write this post.  Suffice it to say that life happened and blogging wasn’t a priority. Everything is going well for me here in New York City, but the list of things that I can make myself do when I’m not in the mood to do them is short and blogging isn’t to be found among them.  Another of the reasons I haven’t written is because I felt like I had to explain or summarize everything that happened while I wasn’t writing.  Forget that, I’m living in the now.

Right now I’m still feeling a little out of sorts trying to adjust to working nights.  My body doesn’t know what the hell I”m doing and I’ve embraced the magic of Ambien for those times when I know there won’t be enough time for my body to decided whether or not it’s really time to sleep.

Life in NYC is amazing and I frequently find myself on street corners, waiting for the light to change (things haven’t gotten so bad that I’m selling myself), and I’ll look up and/or around myself and think how lucky I am to be living in this place.  And it’s not just that I’m living in an amazing place, it’s that I’m living in a place that I always dreamed of living in.

Life here in NYC isn’t always such a dream though, it’s still life and all the accompanying challenges do still apply.  I really do understand why most people don’t pick up and move across the country to anywhere, especially not NYC.  There is a part of me that knows I won’t live in this city for my whole life, but at the same time I cannot comprehend how I will ever live anywhere else.

Dating here is interesting.  It’s sort of exactly like everyone described it would be and yet nothing like that at all. I’ve been overwhelmed with all the gay men here.  They are EVERYWHERE!  Anyone that’s afraid of the gays taking over the world needs to just write NYC off, because we’ve already conquered it.

I think I’m done for now.  I’m going to watch the season finale of The Bachelor.  I’ve been willingly sucked into the series and I readily admit to enjoying awful television.  But I comfort myself with the knowledge that Six Feet Under is one of my favorite series of all time.  See, I’m not all trashy reality TV.

T-Shirts in January

January 10, 2009

So, it took me a few months, but I finally looked around and realized that even when it’s 15 degrees outside you’re still supposed to wear your tight t-shirt to the gay bar. Silly me in my turtleneck.

Unexpected

December 14, 2008

File under: Unexpected Smells in Manhattan; Pleasant Edition

Unfortunately, it’s not growing any money yet. We’ve all got our fingers crossed though.

Thoughts on a Treadmill

December 12, 2008

Straight Man, you do not need to scratch and adjust your scrotum at such a high frequency. Seriously. I have one too, it does not require that kind of regular attention. And if you feel like yours does then you might want to talk to a doctor about it. They make creams!

iPhone

December 1, 2008

I got an iPhone, so I may be posting this way every once in a while. Just testing it out.

Whew! That was stressful.

November 25, 2008

Now I know why most people don’t pick up their whole lives and move to New York City.  It’s very stressful.  The reason I haven’t been blogging is because to recap stressful times on my blog while they’re happening only seems to compound my feelings.  

There were moments in the past month when I thought the whole move to NYC might blow up in my face.  At one point I had to seriously evaluate what my options were if this move to NYC didn’t pan out for me.  My housing situation proved to be by far the most stressful aspect of the move, but I have settled into an apartment with one roommate.  

Chris, a reader of this blog, sent me a great link: www.housingmaps.com.  It combines Craig’s List with google maps.  Very convenient and not just for finding a place in NYC.  Before I moved out here a friend of mine told me how difficult it is to find a place to live in NYC.  He made it sound almost impossible.  I’m happy to report that it is possible, although I underestimated just how hard it would be.

As for finding the right roommate situation…  The only thing I can liken it to is going on one blind date after the other.  You think it’s a good fit, the other person doesn’t.  The other person thinks it’s a good fit, but you don’t.  You both think it’s a good fit, but external circumstances beyond everyone’s control prevent it from going further.  And those scenarios say nothing for how you feel about the apartment you’re looking at, those were just the roommate feelings.  Very difficult.  Very unpleasant and draining.  But when you find a good fit…the world is right again.  

Also, I’ve gained a new appreciation for Utah and the quality of life there.  I know that there has been a lot of negative energy going Utah’s way with the Prop 8 stuff, but when it’s all said and done it’s a beautiful place with many incredible people and a high quality of life.  Keep in mind that I liked Utah before I left it, and my appreciation has still grown.  

I can’t write much more tonight, and I hope to expound on many of the things I’ve touched on in this post in the future, but for right now I will conclude with just two more thoughts:

-I really miss my friends and family back in Utah, especially my family.  Not to diminish my love for my friends, but friends can be made anywhere, your family is who and where your family is, period.  And no matter how close I get to any of my friends, and I have some very close and very incredible friends, my family knows and loves me in a way that only they can, because they’ve known me and loved me longer than anyone.  

-The other thing I will mention is a recurring thought that I have had repeatedly over the last month, and especially frequently since moving into my apartment (the point at which I actually started to feel like I was living in New York and not just like I was visiting).  I am living one of my dreams, one of my greatest dreams.  And that’s a pretty incredible thing.  Especially when you consider the countless number of people that aren’t in a position to make their dreams come true, people whose energy and day-to-day existence is consumed by their efforts just to survive. I guess it’s fitting, what with Thanksgiving being this Thursday, that I’m feeling so thankful.

smart

October 25, 2008

A smart car.

Henri-Frédéric Amiel

October 14, 2008

“The man who insists on seeing with perfect clearness before he decides, never decides.”